“Tell Me All About Myself”

My work, my practice, my life is as a spiritual aspirant and healer.  For many years the process of wrangling with egoic strategies to get to a place of walking rightly on my path has been an arduous pilgrimage.  It is the tao of Who I Am becoming.

Some years ago, one of my teachers shared the story of the individual who comes forward, desiring change, with claims they are ready to do “the work.”  “Tell me all about myself,” they say.  The want to be the reincarnation of someone great, or they want to be acknowledged as someone who has done so much in this life.  And while the desire to grow is apparent, somehow that desire is dashed as they learn all about themselves.

Spiritual awakening may come as we work through pain, soul searching, humility and surrender.  It is not attained, like a prize, for having read an important work of a great teacher or  spent countless hours studying with a renowned guru, in the pursuit to know God.  Without pressing in on what’s hidden, we remain stuck in a vat of psychic and spiritual debris, left over from many lifetimes of not acknowledging and moving through our dark corners.

What do you do when confronted with your ugliness?  What do you do when you have asked to hear about it, but you don’t like what you hear?  Why are we such “wonderful” and “spiritual” beings, but when our patience and virtue are challenged, watch out!

Some years ago, during a healing session with a client, great spiritual beings appeared.  Their love radiated into the room, lifting both client and healer into a new level of  awareness.  As with such a magnified transmission, my energy body felt both expanded and tired because something life-changing had just been gifted.  Tears of pure joy were shared, and my client left feeling optimistic with the transformational energies.  Several days after the session, the client called to say she had developed aches and pains from which she could find no relief.  There was an inference that something “bad” had happened, that the energies that were shared were not what they seemed.

Whenever we hold onto things that keep us stuck – people included – during the process of spiritual growth, we are challenged, most often by pain in our bodies.  I remember the first time I sat with my teacher very well – my face broke out in a severe rash and the tape recording of the session was damaged.  I had difficulty breathing.  I cried spontaneously.  I was in physical pain.  I wanted growth in the worst way, yet I was holding on to patterns, beliefs and perceptions about me, my life and those in my life.  The spiritual energy, “the heat,” latched onto that and exposed the inner turmoil in a very outward way.

When we want to heal, when we want to become true spiritual aspirants and walk in the glow of a higher vibration, we will meet many detractors and deterrents along the way.  While it is easy to want to blame others for our pain, or stop when it becomes too hard, the truth is that the negative force we do the greatest battle with lives inside us.  Be sure that when you want to know all about yourself, you are ready for everything – warts and all.  Even without saying a word, Spirit will press in on your ego-holding and reveal it to you.  Then, and only then, does your true spiritual growth begin.

On Detachment

Despite his emotional and spiritual scar tissue – or perhaps because of it, my son volunteered to return to the war zone – his fourth deployment. The key word here is volunteered … with less than a year on his enlistment, he did not need to return.

Life here in the States was becoming increasingly difficult – his story to tell – but as a witness I need to speak my feelings.  Is this the same son who, after his first deployment said, “Never again!;” the same son who used to smile and laugh, and who now is nearly bereft of these simple abilities?

He leaves at home his sweetheart, who has borne the brunt of his “shellshockedness.”  “It’s for the best, ma,” he assures me.

I cannot cry, I cannot change a thing.  And while I completely disagree, I am not him.  I know enough to know we all have a path to walk down.  He has chosen a mighty difficult one – as have many of his generation.  He is not alone.  Yet, I do not gain comfort in that; in this moment, the “bigger picture” is not working for me.

Where is my spiritual fortitude?  My old friends – spirit guides and helpers that have seen me through so much so many times before – are never far.  I have shut them out a bit on this one to be with my pain.  Despite the feeling that I am floundering alone in the sea, this is not about me.  Each day, the compassion of Spirit draws closer.  Walking in nature, my spiritual practice and work with others, and the support of family and friends provide the healing to remember  I am whole – just forgot that for a brief moment.

I pray that underneath all that has transpired and is yet to come, my son reconnects with his wholeness, and one day his smile and laughter return.  I turn his care and welfare over to God, for the highest good.

A Penny for Your Thoughts …

The coin I found in the yard wasn’t there earlier, I could swear it.  Yet, it was – face up – looking at me.  Taking notice of the date as I picked it up, I was drawn back to 1995.

We recently moved to our current home in August of that year.  My children were  getting ready to start in a new school system – the main reason we moved.  A new life was about to unfold for all of us.

Shortly after we moved, my work in the healing arts took on new dimensions as clients found me.  Our home became a meeting area for the members of the spiritual group of which I was a member.  Thirty people crammed into a little house was an exercise in the art of living, and I remember those times as being absolutely wonderful.

Of course as all good things come to an end, so did my participation in the group.   I moved on – blessing them all, yet feeling the deeper need to be with family who really seemed to need me more and more.  I had to live my spiritual practice in the midst of  life.

My children graduated from high school, my son is now a Sergeant in the Marines, my daughter a nurse – and my husband is nearing retirement.

In an instant, that coin reminded me of many years I hadn’t really thought much about lately.  It is timely, too, as we’re looking into new places to live, some far from here, where a new phase will begin.

Listen to Your Heart

At my recent program on psychic development, a gentleman showed up who had not previously registered.  As the focus of the event was on  meditation and channeling, I was queued up to the energy of spirit communication prior to the students’ arrival.  It was clear this man was not of this earth – he had the energy of an angel who had been sent to here to learn.  I shared this with him and he replied that he never felt at home on the earth nor did he feel comfortable in his body.

As the evening progressed, he was incredibly insightful in his psychic “hits” and his sharing was equally deep.  At one point, when the group was simply sharing and discussing random things, he talked about Michael Crichton’s book, Travels, and the insight and discoveries about himself that opened his world.  Of course, I had to read it.

One of the things that struck me was the way in which he so eloquently described his experience in medical school, his disillusionment with the system, and his decision to ultimately leave medicine to pursue writing.  A very expensive life lesson, but one that – because he followed his heart, his voice – brought him happiness and success.

For some reason, it triggered an otherwise forgotten memory of an acquaintance who helped me create my first business card.  She was an artist – a MFA in fact – and was confident she could help me design a lovely card.  This was well before the days of online business cards and Staples and such, so we created copy  and submitted it to a printer.

After four long weeks of waiting, my cards arrived, costing hundreds of dollars.  I opened the box and to my surprise, the artwork consumed the bulk of the card, with a very small area for who I was, what I offer and how to reach me.  The color as well was not what we agreed upon.  I called the woman immediately and voiced my concerns.  She reminded me that in no uncertain terms, she was the artist and had created a masterpiece for which I seemed ungrateful.  I never used the cards.

I spoke with my teacher at the time about this ordeal and my feelings about it.  She said the expense was worth every cent if I learned from it to trust self over others’ intentions and desires when the heart calls the alarm to do so.

I believe this angel-man came to my group as a reminder of this very lesson we all grapple with from time to time.  The answers are right in front of us when we listen to our heart – acknowledge – act according to our conscience.

On Feeling “Stuck”

I sat down this morning to channel a message from my guides, who always come through for me, but lately have been a bit quiet.  The longer I waited for their words to come flowing through, the longer their silence.  I opened my eyes, and said aloud, “I guess they’re not talking to me right now.”  Immediately, one stepped up and said, “What have you done for yourself?  You have many ideas, lists, chores, and the like, yet what have you done for yourself?  You have not made space to let us in!  We love you and we gently chastise you for not making space for us because you have not attended to your self!”  And then she was gone.

Truthfully, I have many projects that are in a holding pattern – they just are.  I’m known to be a bit of a procrastinator, so the filing grows, the dust settles … you may know what I mean.  So, I made way into my office – and began the arduous task of cleaning up, making space, moving physical objects energetically so that I could receive the spiritual gifts from my guides.

It’s amazing how such a small thing – not staying on top of details – can alert Spirit that I’m once again in a holding patterning of my own devices.  It’s subtle, yet cumulative.

The phone rang, and the dogs barked.  But I kept at it nonetheless. And curiously, as I made my way through, I began feeling lighter, more energized, and once again, in the company of my spirit friends.

How badly do we want to move forward?  What are we willing to move through to move beyond?”

From the Messengers … On Detachment

Where do you see yourself five years from now?  A popular inquiry, however, we ask it of you in light of the changes to come on this planet.  We guide you all toward the higher planes of consciousness, yet do you follow?  We see that you are engaged in your lives, with the myriad challenges that befall any human at this time, however, we say unto you, yield more into the wisdom that surrounds you at this time.  Practice the art of discernment and detachment more in your dealings, so that you grow free.

You may find the idea of detachment unsettling and elect not to go toward it.  But we say unto you that detachment does not mean disengagement from the flow of life, rather it is more in line with structuring exactly HOW you respond, react, in a way that does not draw you deeper into the drama that surrounds you.  Simply put, in your terms, it is an exercise of greater mental and emotional mettle.  Detachment and the discernment that develops  allow you to deepen Who You Are.

This mettle will serve you well in the days and times ahead, for you grow more in tune with the subtle messages of change.  Take the opportunity to practice and develop this, friends, for you are all on notice of the great shifts to come.

My Turn to Grow

Yesterday, ” something” challenged me spiritually.  A simple matter no one else would think twice about left me in utter terror.   I prayed on it, cleared it energetically, talked to it, “What do you need?,” and now I am tired from it.

What buttons did this phantom push?  Past life stuff, buried concerns from this life?  Did I process an energy on behalf of someone else?

Spiritual challenges arise from anything – events, situations, conversations, aromas or a quick glance from someone passing by.  We all sit in the hot seat from time to time – it was simply my turn.

Do I Really Want to Change?

One of the hallmarks of spiritual work is change.  Why do it unless there is a benefit to the Heart of your spiritual growth?  This is an intrepid climb, one not taken lightly by those serious seekers.  Individuals who try to evolve and grow do fine for a while, as they develop a meditation practice, begin reading spiritual material, and the like.

A long time ago, one of my teachers identified a syndrome known as “the bottom of the barrel,” where all the concentrated gook is found.  This is our “stuff,” the things we have pushed down and down – and walked away from over and again because it’s too difficult to bear witness to, let alone heal.

What’s stuck in the bottom of the barrel for you?  Compulsions, body image, interpersonal relationships, self-loving?  And how, just how do you go about cleaning it out?  When you look intin the bottom, what do you see?  What ugliness about who you are is reflected to you?  Cleaning this up is the pilgrimage of the Spiritual aspirant.

The war between Self and self is an ancient one:  my aspirations versus how I run my life in the midst of living.  Don’t worry, the universe has all the time in the world – and Spirit loves us unconditionally.   As a living soul, we have all the time we need to evolve.  Enjoy the ride – yet be willing to look inside.